Aries
(March 21 - April 19)

Go for a second
Opinion before cutting
Off your genitals

Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)

Take everything in
Moderation - including
The monkey's brain juice

Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)

Your competitive
Edge will be an asset when
The invasion starts

Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)

Learn all of the facts
Before you make rash judgments
About the Martians

Leo
(July 23 - Aug. 22)

Although you may doubt
Yourself this week, stay the course
And eat the whole car

Virgo
(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

You'll be awarded
The Nobel Prize, your crab cakes
Leading to world peace

Libra
(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Start a dream journal-
You'll need evidence when you
Try to sue Freddy

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Do not look a gift
Wooden horse in its hollow
Interior, man!

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

You know what you have
To do - spend all your savings
On a moon fortress

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

The pope just released
Seven new mortal sins and
Your name comes up twice

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Give the boot to your
Insecurities - they need
Some sturdier boots

Pisces
(Feb. 19 - March 20)

Let everyone know
Where you stand, on the edge of
A pirate gangplank