Aries
(March 21 - April 19)

Get some exercise -
I suggest running away
From all your problems

Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)

Television is
Now ready for your show, "Watch
People Watch TV"

Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)

Hire somebody to
Seal away the portal to
Malkovich's crotch

Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)

Let me suggest to
You, gently, that the sun is
Not "out to get" you

Leo
(July 23 - Aug. 22)

These new Hummers are
Expensive, but fueled by the
Blood of the unborn

Virgo
(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

The key to a long
Life is not to be found by
Robbing a locksmith

Libra
(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

You should cancel the
Appointment you made to have
Your soul torn from you

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Do you not often
Wonder what MY sign is? It's
Serpentarius

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Keep your spirits high -
They're less likely to haunt you
If they stay real stoned

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Tonight's the night to
Make beautiful music, not
To squeeze alley cats

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Don't make much ado
About nothing-Shakespeare has
Beaten you to it

Pisces
(Feb. 19 - March 20)

Hey, "Pisces," try to
Beat "Serpentarius" - it's
Pretty awesome, eh?