Every so often, I'll find myself completely incapable of contributing anything at all to a discussion. I'll hear about something, study up on it, and be as knowledgeable as anybody else about the subject - but ultimately realize that my brain has already latched onto something unrelated and linked it inexorably to the issue at hand, effectively crushing my chances of ever approaching the matter properly.

For example, I did my best to stay away from that Terri Schiavo furor a few years ago - not because I was uninformed or squeamish, but because I couldn't for the life of me hear or read her name without instead thinking of the famously awful professional wrestling announcer Tony Schiavone. (Yes, my teen years were very emphatically misspent.)

And late last year when a group of Lakota Sioux unofficially seceded from the United States to form an unrecognized republic, I knew I was best off staying quiet. It was a tremendously interesting development, easily worth an entire book by itself, but invariably, whenever I hear or read 'Lakota,' my brain reacts by recalling Canada's famously awful Lakota Pain Relief commercials. ("You haf nut'ing to lose - but de pain!" A loon calls behind the befeathered spokesman as if to highlight his point.) You can imagine how that was just asking for trouble.

So here I stand again, in mute frustration, willing but unable to properly enter discourse on a given topic; in this case, hybrid cars and Manitoba's ongoing Hybrid Electric Vehicle Rebate Program. Do government incentive programs that encourage a certain purchasing decision indicate that the purchase is more viable or less viable? Is a hybrid that gets 25 MPG still better, environmentally and/or economically, than a regular car that gets 35 MPG? And what purpose, really, is a hybrid Lexus supposed to serve?

Regrettably, these questions will have to be left unanswered. I only get so far with the subject of environmentally friendly automotive advancements before I break down into fits of snorting and chuckling. Remember a while back when Smart Cars were pegged as the future? I sure do! I'd initially regarded them with suspicion and derision; I'm 6'2" and I value my knees, so the onset of new-age grown-up Power Wheels made me figure that I would just be walking for the rest of my life.

Soon enough, however, an article was published in Maclean's about the rise of Smart Cars in British Columbia - and that article converted me to Smart Cars instantly when it made extensive mention of Smart Car tipping. Smart Car tipping! Like cow tipping, but a bit heavier and with less chance of getting kicked.

This is a terrible thing to do, of course, and as a dutifully responsible columnist I'll remind you to respect the personal property of others. That said, the mental image of a Smart Car rolling end-over-end downhill cracks me up without fail - and when I hear or read about Smart Cars or hybrids, this is the first (and usually only) thing that comes to my mind. Sorry, folks, I'll have to sit this one out.

James Howard now measures environmental sustainability by how easily he could tip something and then how far he could roll it. It's not a perfect scale.
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