Dear Sasha,
I am a semi-closeted mystic-type - I hate the New Age tag and most self-styled "pagans" have terrible style, all ersatz Crowley crap with tacky pentagrams affixed to faux Medievalist goblets, the dudes always wearing ill-fitting black jeans with bad belts and the ladies in cheap velveteen corsets and shiny plastic shoes. So it pains me to admit this, but I love crystals. I honestly find it incredibly soothing to hold them. I carry them in my pockets and often sleep with one under my pillow or clutched in my hand.

So, the other night, after smoking a J, it occurred to me that I might enjoy sticking a crystal inside my vagina. And, you know what? I enjoyed it very much. And it got me thinking, wouldn't it be great to have a nice, big, smooth, crystal dildo made expressly for this purpose? I did some Googling, but I only found a couple sites that seemed to carry such a thing and they were in the rather prohibitive range of $600-$1700.

I realize this is a specialty item and it's going to be costly, but I'm thinking there must be a broader range of options than the few I was able to find online. Ideally, I'd like one in rose quartz, to really maximize the loving vibrations. Maybe there's a Stevie Nicks-endorsed line out there I missed?

Crystal Grail

Dear Crystal,
I have been unable to find one that may suit your price range. As hand-blown glass dildo maker Levi Belber says, "rose quartz is a stone. That means the toys would have to be carved out of a quartz block, sanded, and polished to a high gloss. That would be quite time-consuming and, therefore, expensive."

Let me nevertheless provide you with a few warnings if you choose to splurge because just as you are allergic to neo-paganism, I am allergic to sexual empowerment through luxury branding.

Shiri Zinn, who makes quartz crystal dildos that run into the thousands, has a philosophy. Her website blabs about challenging "the boundaries between what is deemed acceptable and unacceptable for public consumption, and questions value judgments made by key influencers including media, fashion and product industries" and wonders, "why has it taken so long for objects destined for intimate and pleasurable use to incorporate quality, artistic design and superior manufacturing?" In short, she believes, "it is only through quality that we can challenge prejudices and preconceived notions about sexuality."

I don't know what that last bit means (fighting sexual intolerance through profligate spending?) but anyone who's seen antique Asian dildos (to say nothing of Belber's stunning work) will tell you that people have been carefully crafting artsy sex toys for millennia. Zinn was also once quoted in the Observer, when discussing her fo x fur-tailed butt plug, "People won't tell you this, but the most sensitive part of a woman's body is not the clitoris, it's the anus."

"No," countered the piece's no-nonsense author Anna Moore, "It's the eyeball." Never mind that putting fur on or around anything that requires gobs of lube is idiotic.

As well, be wary of companies that use the word crystal (either implying quartz or high lead bearing glass) interchangeably with clear glass, Lucite, acrylic or Pyrex. I also spoke to Toronto gemologist Donald Mackay, who questions the safety of rose quartz - which can chip somewhat easily - as an insertable substance.

"Even if it's polished," he says, "there's tiny cracks and crevices and the porosity of the material would make cleaning a problem." While people worldwide have been using various porous stones to manufacture dildos for centuries, it's just something to consider.

Questions? Comments? Contact Sasha at pouledeluxe@yahoo.com.