Aries
(March 21 - April 19)

This week you'll return
To the School of Hard Knocks to
Complete your Master's

Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)

The buses will not
Be late this week, causing a
Rift in time and space

Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)

For your convenience,
Stores stocking junk and staffed by
Morons dot the land

Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)

Small designer bags
Made out of dried rat vomit
Will be the next craze

Leo
(July 23 - Aug. 22)

You'll feel hung out to
Dry after a stint serving
In the laundry wars

Virgo
(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Doors will open for
You this week, sadly though, they'll
Be portals to Hell

Libra
(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

You'll find yourself in
A sticky situation
With sentient slime

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Follow your heart and
Take pains to see that it stays
Inside your body

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Your new career as
A foot model will bring you
Much creepy fortune

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Your have to learn to
Take advice and stop selling
Ad space on organs

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

You really need a
Reality check - look, there's
No such thing as "cheese"

Pisces
(Feb. 19 - March 20)

"The Pizza Pie With
The Poison Inside" is not
The motto you seek