Aries
(March 21 - April 19)

Turn down that invite
To attend Dracula's red
Wine-tasting party

Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)

You'll turn heads walking
Down the street in your new clothes
Made of live pigeons

Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)

The mandarins who
You stole those oranges from will
Annihilate you

Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)

If nothing else, you've
Proven your dedication
To a life of lies

Leo
(July 23 - Aug. 22)

That food in your fridge
That keeps multiplying might
Warrant inspection

Virgo
(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

For Mother's Day, go
Back in time and prevent the
Pain of your own birth

Libra
(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

That trip you're planning
To the alley beside your
Home will be a blast

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Would someone please heed
Jimmy Walker's cries? Get the
Poor man dynamite!

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Please don't name your band
The Inward Waking Eyes - we're
Already confused

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

This week you'll get what
You deserve - an already
Expired Sals coupon

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Your adaptations
Of Shakespeare will earn you a
Bitch-slap from beyond

Pisces
(Feb. 19 - March 20)

What stayed in Vegas:
Your money, your dignity,
And your self-respect