Maybe cell phones are the new cigarettes.

Y'know, the handy little crutches you lean on when a social situation starts to get awkward.

"Jesus. Is that girl looking over here? Maybe I'll just check the old phone for missed alerts and knock out a game of Zuma until she looks away. Whew. That sucked."

I, too, succumbed to the cell phone about two years ago, and I have to say the little bastard is as addictive as constantly checking my Facebook account, which I can now do with my cell phone, making the whole thing the electronic equivalent of a speedball.

And you know what? When I feel anxious in a social situation, I pull the thing out and start reading old text messages as if I've found the alternate ending to The Count of Monte Cristo.

"C U L8r."

"WTF, mofo? Lol!"

"BFF! B their n 5."

Oh, it's good stuff of high literary value, especially when the outside world is scaring the piss out of me - but it's also a weak move by someone who should really just grow a pair and start a conversation with another human.

It wasn't always so easy to be a social moron. Back in the day, you had to make up more elaborate excuses to avoid human contact. Illnesses always made for good rip cords in uncomfortable conversations, and of course, you could use a trip to the bathroom or the bar to give someone the slip if he or she seemed just a little too real. A cigarette? Well, that's just the ultimate way to look totally cool as you stand by yourself with sweat running into the waistband of your panties.

Those excuses at least took a little imagination, but now it's only too easy to check out by scanning your text messages or flipping open the phone to have a fake conversation with a dial tone. God forbid you have a Blackberry, in which case you can whip that thing out of its holster like you're a gunfighter at high noon in the Old West.

"Hello! I'm important! Look at me! Oh? Wrong number? OK, then I need a cigarette."

I can't tell you how many times I've been standing in a circle of people only to realize no one is talking and e
everyone is thumb-typing emoticons to acquaintances who are doing the same thing in a similarly silent Stonehenge circle somewhere else in the city.

The ultimate in social stupidity is the guy who feels the need to call someone during a concert, interrupting his enjoyment of the performance to tell his buddy that he's "sooo wasted" and then pointing the device at the stage so his bro can listen to 76,000 watts of raw power funnelled through an earhole the size of a grain of rice.

Of course, not all cell-phone usage is related to escaping social situations or being a dick, but even taking legitimate calls at an event or gathering is a pretty obvious way of saying, "I've got something better to do."

Don't get me wrong - I love the convenience of the phone, and I'm certainly not above hammering out streams of grossly inappropriate text messages or sending my friends pictures of cucumbers that look like penises.

I just wish we could turn the things off and have a real conversation from time to time.

Mike Warkentin will send you funny pics from his phone.