Aries
(March 21 - April 19)

Ironically
Fortune cookies will cause the
Loss of your fortune

Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)

Changing your name to
Bob Marley won't entitle
You to his estate

Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)

Your secret hatred
Of The Tragically Hip
Will soon get you lynched

Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)

Protect yourself from
Bug bites by covering your
Body in feces

Leo
(July 23 - Aug. 22)

Camping will be a
Great way to expose yourself
To the woods' dangers

Virgo
(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Take up biking if
You must, but please don't take up
Wearing biker shorts

Libra
(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

You'll go three-for-three
In this week; three maulings and
Three hospital visits

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Buying that house on
Maniac St. was the worst
Money you have spent

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Later, you will look
Back on this time in life as
'The Explosion Years'

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Admitting that you're
Addicted to love is the
First step - stop singing!

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

I'm afraid the Age
Of Aquarius has been
Cancelled - back to work

Pisces
(Feb. 19 - March 20)

There's nothing funny
About your future this week
- I am so sorry