Aries
(March 21 - April 19)

Begin an office
Romance this week, either with
The stapler or pen

Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)

You will be fired
And a rabid hyena
Will then replace you

Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)

Your chef training won't
Be complete until you have
Killed the other chefs

Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)

Ordering nachos
On top of your nachos was
Stupid, yet brilliant

Leo
(July 23 - Aug. 22)

A SWAT team will take
You down this week, but that's the
Least of your worries

Virgo
(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Virgo Magazine
Wants to do a feature on
Your porn collection

Libra
(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

You'll be dumped by your
Lover after one more date
At the city dump

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Incorporate wild
Cats into your juggling act
And you will make it

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Life this week will be
A fairytale, and you'll be
Eaten by a troll

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Your romance novel
Saved from Writing This Junk is
Not believable

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

There will be many
Awkward moments this week, when
You watch The Office

Pisces
(Feb. 19 - March 20)

You are getting too
Lazy, but I just can't be
Bothered to help you