Aries
(March 21 - April 19)

If a tree falls in
The forest, don't ponder, just
Get out of the way

Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)

You'll gain the power
Of flight, but lose the power
Of your sanity

Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)

Dracula is not
The best boyfriend, but at least
He's got his own life

Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)

Would you put some pants
On before you perform that
Major surgery?

Leo
(July 23 - Aug. 22)

Keep your opinions
To yourself and you'll avoid
The electroshocks

Virgo
(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Your car not starting?
Yep, it's a conspiracy
Headed by Loki

Libra
(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

A side effect of
Reading these horoscopes is
Sudden instant death

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Dishes piling up?
Why not use up another
Of your three wishes?

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

When you were paid to
Take a dive they meant in the
Boxing ring, moron

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Hollywood will come
Knocking when you become known
For stupid stories

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Do not believe the
Lies of the devil - but you
Guys can still hang out

Pisces
(Feb. 19 - March 20)

I didn't want to
Be the one to tell you, but
Horoscopes are bull