Stan Helsing
Anchor Bay
Available now

Apparently the successful Scary Movie franchise doesn't hold the monopoly on horror parody; in fact, the new spoof Stan Helsing has an executive producer and co-star Leslie Nielsen in common. While it's not as funny as the last two in the series that had the involvement of legendary lampoon gurus the Zucker Brothers, Stan Helsing looks like a Woody Allen film compared to garbage such as Meet the Spartans.

Steve Howey plays a lowly video store clerk who must save a cursed gated community from monsters on Halloween night. Along with his friends, played by Keenan Thompson (SNL), the barely dressed Desi Lydic and Maxim favourite Diora Baird, the descendent of Dracula slayer Van Helsing must battle thinly veiled caricatures of famous villains such as Freddy, Michael Myers and Pinhead.

Depending on your sense of humour, you'll either laugh at the plentiful T&A gags or want to hit the fast forward to Leslie Nielsen's appearance in drag as a sass-talking waitress. If you don't mind lowbrow jokes and a climatic karaoke showdown, you may even overlook the silly titular pun.

The Children
Alliance Films
Available now

What would happen if the children in your family were struck with a flu-like virus that turned them into violent, hateful creatures with a thirst to kill? This U.K. thriller suggests the worst-case scenario: a family Christmas get-together that goes horribly wrong when a group of parents are attacked by their infected offspring.

The movie starts with the kids full of holiday spirit and anxious for Santa's arrival. The adults, meanwhile, are anxious for the kids to go to bed so they can drink wine and smoke pot. While this may sound careless, they also love their children dearly and the first 15 minutes are spent depicting the devoted family relationships. The film veers off course as soon as the tots, who vary from ages five to 10, band together to torture the grown-ups in various ridiculous ways.

The movie starts out promising, but soon digresses into elaborate massacre set pieces that are often unintentionally funny: after a man is murdered by sliding down a snowy hill headfirst onto a sharp garden tool, his body is then hidden in a tent full of barb wire to capture the next unsuspecting victim. For the best take on the subject, check out the intelligent and disturbing 1976 Spanish movie Who Can Kill A Child?


Upcoming Releases
November 3 - The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3; I Love You Beth Cooper; GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra; North by Northwest: Blu-ray; Don't You Forget About Me.

Amanda Stefaniuk is a freelance writer who literally grew up in a video store.