First we take The Forks
The Attics, Hot Live Guys plan Canada Day coup
Mike Warkentin

Canada Day roll call @ The Forks

3:30 — Mood Jga Jga
4:15 — Wudzitooyuh
5:00 — O Canada
5:15 — Monuments Galore
6:15 — The Cheers
7:15 — The Bonaduces
8:15 — Combo Combo
9:00 — The Attics
9:45 — Novillero
10:45 — Hot Live Guys
11:00 — Fireworks

For almost 100 years revolutionary Winnipeg has been dormant.

Sure, Uptown columnist Nick Ternette leads the odd protest, and a few Critical Mass cyclists get beaten at the end of every month — but where’s the real revolution?

Well, when the conservative militants in the future figure out where it all went wrong, they’ll be sending a T-1000 back to July 1, 2006, at Das Forks.

And the leaders of this musical revolution?

That would be The Attics, a local pop-rock quartet that toured the former Soviet Union back in February.

Komrade Rob Mitchell, singer/guitarist and erstwhile minister of propaganda, confirms that this whole Canada Day gig is just a cover.

“We’re just trying to put up a believable front as patriots,” he says.

And then the propaganda starts:

“Actually, to be honest, they’re starting to get a pretty good life over there,” he says of the old country. “I think you could also say they’re starting to go back to the days of old. Look out — the Red Menace is gathering steam.”

As talented as The Attics are — and they’ll be debuting several new revolutionary anthems during their set — they’re going to need a little help. That’s why Mitchell and bandmates Rene Campbell, Chris Rademaker and Aaron Klassen will be targeting the Hot Live Guys — Julian Bargen, Joe Warkentin, Mike Johnson and Kurtis Wittmier — for indoctrination.

“They can basically pass under the radar just being a fun band out there to charm you with debauchery, but at the same time they’re very deceptive. They’re political at the core,” Mitchell says of the wildly rawking Hot Live Guys.

“The Hot Live Guys have often thought about treason, both for its glamour and for its profit,” Bargen says. “The only problem (with joining The Attics’ revolution) is that a couple of members of our band have longstanding feuds with vodka.”

According to Bargen, the means of consumption will soon be bottles of Yukon Jack.

The Hot Live Guys are also planning to free noted Winnipeg bank robber Klaus Burlakow. The former city employee inspired the title song on the Hot Live Guys’ new album, Robbin’ a Bank, so they feel they owe the Bureaucrat Bandit a debt.

“Once in power, we could probably free Klaus Burlakow and restore him to the position he really deserves,” Bargen says. “First we’d parade him through the city, a jubilant return, and it would all end in a huge street concert — just the way he likes it.”

Festival organizers, no doubt sensing a plot to take over their event, cleverly slipped mod band Novillero in between The Attics and the Hot ones. Novillero keyboardist Rod Slaughter is, after all, an accountant with connections to the ruling class.

“People like him keep me from buying a fancy new guitar,” Bargen says of Slaughter.

But soon The Attics and the Hot Live Guys will have new instruments, new titles, and new residences, perhaps inside the Ledge.

“It (Canada Day) might not be the day of infamy to begin with, but in retrospect I want history to remember it well.”

So head to Das Forks on July 1, and wear red — for your country and for the revolution.