‘Do they come with a shoehorn?’
Slim-fit pants — just what our obese, lazy and lethargic society needs
Rachel Stone

Slim-fit pants — just what our obese, lazy and lethargic society needs

Little black pants are back — The Gap recently announced it with a dancing Audrey Hepburn.

Congratulations to everyone who has been hoping for this day since the 1960s.

Now, who exactly are you? I ask because I’m looking around and not seeing a lot of people who will look good in this slim-fit number.

What I’m seeing is news program after editorial after report telling us that North America has never been fatter or more willingly unhealthy.

So I’m confused. Rampant obesity equals little black pants? More McDonald’s than ever before equals nothing at The Bay in sizes larger than XL?

Hmm. Good Morning America does an extra-special on extra-large Americans and the following day has tiny chef Giada De Laurentis making Halloween goodies out of butter and sugar and syrup and chocolate?

I suppose it’s human nature to send mixed signals (and I’m certain that it’s in the nature of the media), but I’m not going to go spouting about the evils of modern media and unrealistic body images. It’s all been said before, it remains boring, and I still adore America’s Next Top Model.

But CKY recently served up an exposé on how Manitobans are more in debt than ever before. They called the spot “Buying big, living poor,” and then they chased it with an ad for buying $50 worth of merchandise to get a $10 gift card.

So what are you telling me?

I’m definitely smart enough to think for myself. I make my numerous unhealthy and financially idiotic choices both informed and on my own. I don’t hold anyone responsible for me but me, and I’m not in the minority — so I want to know what the media thinks it’s doing.

All this seems an awful lot like one of my ridiculous typos, like when I once wrote to hundreds of people saying, “This is definitely the workshop to miss,” leaving out the “not” and causing endless amusement among my co-workers.

I can only imagine that the same thing is happening at the Good Morning America offices.

Diane Sawyer: Ha, Jim, did you see the segments you put together?

Producer Jim: What are you talking about?

Sawyer: Ha-ha, it’s so funny, isn’t it, Robin?

Robin Roberts: Ha-ha! Very funny! Oh, Jim, you need to get more sleep! Look at your tvypo!

Jim: What? What did I do?

Diane: You sandwiched a segment on the joy of lard between a segment on dangerous obesity in American teens and a segment on the deadly evils of lard! Aha! Isn’t that funny?

Robin: Ha! “Sandwiched!” Good one, Diane!

Oh, the whimsy of TV.

I’d love to go back in time and return with the various inventors of things like prepackaged food, fast food and the automobile and ask them, “Is this what you intended?”

Did they intend for all of us to be very fat and diabetic and choking our Earth with hideous pollution? I wonder if they’d be horrified or if they’d be proud that their accomplishments have become such wonderful business.

Perhaps if terrorists really wanted to bring about the downfall of the Western world they’d just open more fast-food franchises and let us eat ourselves to debt and death.

Again, I believe strongly in personal responsibility. But still — the little black pants are available for you in XXS at The Gap for only $23.99, and they come with a gift certificate for a Big Mac, don’t they?

I’m loving it.

Rachel Stone still loves America’s Next Top Model.