Burn the Word Count

Welcome to the first post of my first attempt at a thematic, ongoing series of blog posts I’m calling #advertisingfail.

Since my first exposure to Jean Kilbourne - a pioneering media critic whose work concerns images of women in advertising and alcohol/tobacco advertising - I have had a thing for critically examining print ads and TV commercials. It’s somewhat of a hobby.

An aside: Kilbourne’s most-famous contribution to media literacy is probably her 1979 lecture/slideshow presentation, Killing Us Softly. There are now several updated versions of it, all of which available as films, and they’re a must-see for anyone interested in this topic and unfamiliar with her work; her 1999 book, Deadly Persuasion, is also awesome.

Another aside: In 2006, shortly after I started working at Uptown, I had the chance to interview Kilbourne, who was in town for a lecture. It was the first time I was ever star-struck by the person I was interviewing – I’m talking full-on geek crush, here, to the point that my colleagues were laughing at me upon my return to the office because I was flushed and couldn’t stop talking.

My memories from that day include:

-       Picking her up from her hotel because she wanted to go somewhere for "good coffee" and being mortified when, upon starting my car, I assaulted both of our ears with super-loud Nirvana because I had left my radio cranked and on some sort of alternative rock station.

-       Interpreting "good coffee" as "Tim Hortons" – because I am Canadian like that – and taking her there, only to find out she actually meant "fancy coffee" aka lattes and such.

-       Teaching her what a "cougar" was, after dropping it during our conversation and learning that she had never heard the term. 

Good times.

Anyway, back to the point. I watch a lot of TV and read a fair number of magazines. As such, I see a lot of commercials and print ads, and I thought it would be fun to rant about the ones that I find most offensive, which is what you can expect to find in an #advertisingfail post.

The ad with which I’ve chosen to kick off this series is a TV commercial for Go Daddy – which apparently is an Internet domain registrar/web-hosting company, although I had to look that up because the ad in question doesn’t make that clear.

On the contrary, the primary goal of the commercial I am about to dissect appears to be to drive people ("people" being "horny heterosexual men," naturally) to Go Daddy’s website. This is done by suggesting that one who does so will be rewarded for his efforts with the sight of naked chicks.

Spoiler alert: There are no naked chicks there.

I have since learned that this strategy is typical for Go Daddy – as is the strategy of producing commercials that, according to a quote which Wikipedia attributed to Go Daddy’s founder, are "fun, edgy and a bit inappropriate." Indeed, apparently Go Daddy is following PETA’s M.O. of making gross commercials, then trying to get them aired during the Super Bowl, then pouting loudly when it’s decided that they’re too racy for the Super Bowl so that everyone rushes over to its website to see what all the fuss is about.

It’s a brilliant plan, in that you get lots of attention without actually have to pay a network to run your ad.

I have chosen not to link to Go Daddy’s website, however, because I am a feminist bitch whose raison d’être is to deny horny heterosexual men the sight of breasts. No wait, that’s not it. The reason I’m not linking to it is because Go Daddy’s ads are sexist and stupid and I’m certainly not going to reward it by driving traffic to its site (traffic, of course, being all seven of you who are reading this).

Instead, I have painstakingly transcribed the ad so we can all have a good laugh/puke - and, for those of you who just need to see it (even though I already told you there aren’t any naked chicks in it so what’s the point, amirite?), here is a link to it on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAyY76U7JRo

The commercial stars race-car driver Danica Patrick and personal trainer/Biggest Loser ass-kicker Jillian Michaels – two women who are referred to as "Go Daddy Girls" on both the site to which I will not be linking and in various related press about the company, despite the fact that both of them are actually over the age of 18, making them women.

Observation No. 1: Calling grown women "girls" infantilizes them and serves to support an unequal power dynamic within society.

Now then, onto the commercial itself. It begins in a dressing room of a TV studio. Danica and Jillian – I’d refer to them by their last names, as journalists usually do after first reference, but we’ve already established that they’re just girls, so we’ll go with first names because that’s how children are usually treated – are sitting in a front of a mirror, clearly in the middle of hair and makeup. They are surrounded by a bunch of people whose roles are as-yet unclear. Among those people is a slightly nerdy-looking guy wearing glasses and a guy wearing a suit (both men are white).

Jillian (clearly angry): We are not doing it.

Nerdy-looking guy: You’ve done racy Go Daddy commercials before…

Danica: Yeah, but this is over the top.

Jillian (in response to Danica): Thank you. (To nerdy-looking guy) We’re here to promote Go Daddy (camera cuts to a shot of a computer screen with Go Daddy info and their pictures on it), not be a part of some crazy stunt.

Suit guy (sheepishly): Well, we’re contractually obligated…

Jillian and Danica look into the mirror with anger but also resignation. Both sigh audibly.

Cut to: a shot of Jillian and Danica’s high-heeled feet and bare legs, walking through the studio, set to slow, beat-heavy sexy-times music which begins with what sounds like a woman’s grunt of ecstasy.

Female production assistant (wearing a dowdy zip-up hoodie and puffy vest, so possible a lesbian): Go Daddy Girls, coming to set (She sees the "girls," and stares, slack-jawed)

Cut back to the girls – seen only from their collarbones up, a shot which suggests they’re naked,

Jillian (to Danica, clearly uncomfortable): Everybody is staring…

As she says this, a male production assistant sees them. Unable to look away, he walks into a metal cart or something which makes a big crash…

The commercial ends with a male voice proclaiming: See more now at Go Daddy dot com. The accompanying onscreen graphic notes, titillatingly: Warning: web content unrated.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: I need to register my Internet domain name and I could really use a reliable company to host my new website. Having watched this commercial, it’s clear that Go Daddy fits the bill! I’m going to sign up with it immediately.

Or not. There is also a possibly that you are thinking: WTF? What does this stupid commercial have to do with the services offered by this company?

The answer, of course, is: nothing. What this commercial is attempting to do is portray a "fun, edgy and slightly inappropriate" image. It’s hip and cool – just like you – and that’s why you should give it your business. Or, at the very least, check out its website. Because who knows? The content over there is unrated. UNRATED. Why, that could mean… BOOBS! ON THE INTERNET!!!!11!

Observation No. 2: Note the audience being targeted by this ad. Note how apparently, this audience does not include women. (And, lest you think that the audience could maybe include lesbians - why else have Jillian Michaels there, right? - I assure you that, despite the inclusion of both her and the dowdy zip-up hoodie and puffy vest-wearing woman, this commercial positively drips with male gaze, a fact which makes it very clear who it is targeting with its message.)

Does Go Daddy really think women have no need for its services? What does that say about the company?

Observation No. 3: I love how the suit says "we’re" contractually obligated, as if he and the girls are in it together. Funny, ʼcause from where I’m sitting, he doesn’t appear to be forced to disrobe against his will and walk naked through a TV studio. Indeed, when I hear him say "we’re contractually obligated," I get the sense he means: "You’re contractually obligated," as in "You’re contractually obligated, bitch, so suck it up and show everyone your tits like a good girl. No you can’t have a robe."

I don’t like it when people are forced to do something they don’t want to do, particularly if that something has sexual overtones. I find it disturbing, actually. Seeing it doesn’t make me want to "see more" – and, in this case, it certainly doesn’t make me want to do business with Go Daddy.

We’re in this deep, however, so we might as well take this post to its conclusion, right?

Right. The "more" that we are treated to on Go Daddy’s website is an extended version of the same TV commercial. While it offers more in the way of narrative exposition - which helps us to better understand who each character is supposed to be - it is just as offensive.

Once again, I have transcribed the ad in its entirety so as to save you from actually having to visit the site. Once again, if you feel the need to watch what’s there (THERE ARE NO BOOBS), here it is on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYxG1_TMBos&feature=related

Once again, we begin in a TV studio, in a dressing room, in the middle of hair and makeup.

Suit guy (to Danica and Jillian): Ladies, what’s the problem-o?

Jillian (clearly angry): We are not doing it.

Nerdy-looking guy: You’ve done racy Go Daddy commercials before…

Danica: Yeah, been in a shower with a girl, pulled over by a stripper cop, but this is over the top. Not doin’ it.

Cut to a new guy, clearly meant to be gay because he has an exaggerated lisp and is shooting a look could be described as "fierce": Stick to your guns, girl.

Jillian (in response to Danica): Thank you. (To nerdy-looking guy) We’re here to promote Go Daddy (camera cuts to a shot of a computer screen with Go Daddy info and their pictures on it), not be a part of some crazy stunt.

Suit guy: Well, as your agent, I have to tell you, we’re contractually obligated… OK?

(Clearly, it is not OK).

Cut to the anger, the resignation, the audible sighs, the sexy-times music and the walking of naked legs, followed by a series of reaction shots. In addition to the aforementioned dowdy zip-up hoodie and puffy vest-wearing woman and the guy who falls over, we see more shots of other people staring, including a cameraman of unclear ethnic background and the lisper, who is holding – wait for it - a hair brush, which clues us into the fact that he’s the hairdresser. Of course he is. I mean, he’s gay! It was either that or make him the caterer!

Finally, the commercial gets to the big pay-off. Are you ready for it?

The pay-off is…

HAHAHA they’re not naked at all! Both women are wearing ridiculous foam costumes that, together, replicate the Go Daddy logo. Danica has the "Go," Jillian, the "Daddy.com." Both still appear to be naked underneath said costumes.

Danica (to Jillian): At least they gave you the Double Ds.

Nerdy-looking guy (Unclear about how to handle the situation): Wow. Ah, so… you guys look great.

Danica (sarcastically): Thanks.

Suit guy (who will now be referred to as agent): See? It’s not so bad.

Jillian (to agent, with disgust): You’re so fired.

Agent: Does that mean we can date now?

Jillian: Get out. Beat it.

Observation No. 4: Good to see the agent is still trying to push the boundaries in order to see just how much inappropriate behavior he can get away with. Consistency for the win!

The nerdy-looking guy walks back to a monitor – clueing us into the fact that he is the director. He is joined by the agent.

Observation No. 5: Note how the two positions of relative power in this situation – the agent and the director – are occupied by white men, while the gay guy, the non-white guy and all the women get to play the less-important supporting roles.

Nerdy-looking guy (who will now be referred to as director): And… action!

Danica and Jillian start doing a ridiculous dance routine and singing: For amazing websites, we’re the bomb – get everything you need at Go Daddy dot com!

While they’re doing this, the cameraman is shown laughing at them. When they finish, everyone on set is shown trying to stifle laughter. Unequivocally, we are witnessing laughing-at laughter, not laughing-with laughter. Danica drops her arms to her sides and hangs her head in embarrassment.

Cut to a black screen with Go Daddy’s company info and the same male voice from the TV version of the commercial, which proclaims: "Go Daddy dot com: domains, websites and everything in between."

Cut back to the director and the agent watching the song-and-dance footage on the monitor. A new suit-wearing guy walks up to them. It’s unclear who he is but he’s white, so we can safely assume he has some power.

New suit-wearing guy: You know what would be cool? If they both had Double Ds! (makes the universally understood "cupping" gesture)

Agent laughs uproariously: I get it!

The director looks uncomfortable but appears intent on humouring the new suit-wearing guy who, along with the agent, begin pestering him: Get it? You get it?

Director: I get it…

Agent (to director): Tell me what it means because I don’t think you get it.

Director (making the cupping gesture): They’re not batteries… They’re… (awkwardly looking for the right word, makes cupping gesture again)

New suit-wearing guy (practically shouting he is so impressed with himself): They’re Ds! Ds! Go Daddy Ds!

Observation No. 6: Did we really need that joke explained? Just how stupid does Go Daddy think its potential customer base is?

Agent (to director): Get with it, Poindexter! (Which is meant to be a dig about him being nerdy – something we, the audience, already knew because duh: he is wearing glasses). The agent and the new suit-wearing guy laugh it up.

Cut back to screen with Go Daddy’s logo, etc.

And we’re done. (Thank God.) Wasn’t that hilarious?

Observation No. 7: Did you get the joke? The punch line is that the "girls" aren’t being humiliated by being forced to walk naked through a TV studio and then film a commercial – they’re being humiliated by being forced to sing and dance while wearing stupid costumes! HAHAHA puke.

Even funnier, we get to watch men attempt to exploit the power dynamic of the situation for a date AND make pervy comments about women’s breasts behind their backs! The goodness never stops.

Of course, there’s another joke happening here: one being played on viewers of the TV commercial who, enticed by the possibility of naked chicks, dutifully head over to the website to which I will not be linking, only to be DENIED! HAHAHAHA THERE ARE NO BOOBS HERE WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF PERV LULZ.

In conclusion, with this attempt to be "fun, edgy and a bit inappropriate," Go Daddy has actually done the following:

-       Provided no actual information about the services it offers, thus missing an opportunity to give potential customers any knowledge that might actually lead them to make a purchasing decision

-       Alienated 50% of its potential client base (More, if we assume at least some men find this commercial offensive, as well)

-       Infantilized grown women before proceeding to sexually objectify them

-       Proven that it thinks coercing women – sorry, girls - to perform humiliating acts on camera is "fun"

-       Been very, very inappropriate, as well as sexist and stupid

-       Made me want to throw up a little in my mouth

Go Daddy, indeed. Go somewhere far, far away from me, so that I never have to watch this stupid commercial again.

And that, my friends, is what I call an #advertisingfail.