Love Bites

Dear Sasha,
   
I read your column, "Eager to Please" (Dec. 22, Uptown), and the response by Chris, "Advice is in the Eye of the Beholder" (Jan. 5, Uptown). I, too, was disappointed by your answer to Desperate Puppy, who had this particular fantasy. It seemed like you gave a textbook glance at the fetish itself and explained it with the most obvious Freudian psychology possible, with no alternatives.
   
Cuckolding is one of my fetishes, and my girlfriend and I have acted on this with some great results. In a quest to understand myself, this desire, and to better relate it to my partner and those we wish to have join us, I have come across the same Freudian explanation. While I understand it, it simply doesn’t sit with me; that’s not what I’m in it for. I’m a sub in the bedroom and an alpha male in the rest of the world. I see my girlfriend as having the right to sleep with other people. I see it as my place to allow her to, and not interfere. It does not make me crave my girlfriend more, and it does not make me jealous. It does not make her love me less, and it does not remove from our connection. It just feels right. It makes us happy, happier than we have ever been, actually.
   
I guess I’m just saying that there are a lot of reasons that Desperate Puppy could want what he wants, and such a one-dimensional answer on your part could have left him feeling even more isolated. Not all us guys are in it to spread the seed.

Genetically Un-Predispositioned

Dear Genetically,
   
Thank you for sharing your own reason for wanting to see your girlfriend have sex with other people. It fills me with genuine relief to know people are having their intimate needs met. I’m not kidding when I say I feel that this is the key to peace on earth.
   
To be clear, though, it was not Desperate Puppy who wanted to explore the idea of cuckoldry but his boyfriend. When I said it was a "classic cuckold fantasy," I meant just that: that it was a very classic version of the cuckold fantasy. This is not to say that others experience this fantasy in the same way. In fact, by defining it as classic cuckold, I was implying that there are other varieties.
   
If I was wrong, I would honestly be surprised. In my experience (both personal and professional, if you could call this column that), the classic cuckold loves to be regaled with filthy stories that require their immediate attention. They enjoy using their partner as a vessel for this desire. Gay or straight, male or female, they are turned on by the ancient impulses of survival, competition and/or procreation.
   
Others were upset that I would suggest to Puppy that he do something that might make him uncomfortable to satisfy his partner. I wasn’t suggesting that Puppy go out and fuck other people. I was suggesting that he imply this. Honing one’s skills as an erotic storyteller is often a good compromise while one is growing accustomed to the idea of a challenging fantasy.
   
I understand that I’m often sharp-tongued and/or glib in this forum. Some people read this column precisely because they enjoy this quality. I am willing to concede that this may have been the case, but I also think we are sensitive about our choices and, when we feel our personal choices are being judged, it makes us panicky. I am not judging. But at the same time, I am judging. People are entertained by judgment. And I am here to entertain and inform. As for referring to our choices as "weird-ass," I do that with love and respect and complicity. The mind is a vast and impulsive place.
   
I cannot let this go without addressing the word "othering" that appeared in a letter I received. According to one definition, "othering is a way of defining and securing one’s own positive identity through the stigmatization of an ‘other.’"
   
In the context of sex, this definition needs to be refined, or maybe even punched in the ass, because it is often precisely though othering that we are turned on. Difference turns us on. Hello Butch/Femme, Dom/sub and on and on and on.
   
What have I learned from these exchanges? That there is a book of essays just waiting to be turned into a yearly collection: Best Cuckold Erotica. Cleiss Press, are you listening?
   
Questions? Comments? Contact Sasha at pouledeluxe@yahoo.com.