Love Bites

Dear Sasha,
   
My wife and I are in our 20s. We’ve been married for about a year and a half, and together, off and on, since 2005.
   
I love my wife very much but I am not getting what I need out of this relationship: sex. She’s never been a sex maniac but these days, things are becoming a bit extreme. Sex is so important to me physically and mentally. Without it, I have observed all aspects of my life suffer. I become an unhappy, depressed and boring person. My confidence is shot and I feel like a perverted fiend.
   
I consider our current sex frequency to be abnormally low, two or three times a month if we are lucky. No fellatio, no cunnilingus, no touching of any kind. She does not want me to touch her and she definitely does not want to touch me. I have tried all kinds of different approaches: trying to initiate sex more frequently, less frequently, being more aggressive, being more passive, talking about it, ignoring it. It’s always my role to start things up, so I try and try. As soon as I come close to my wife, she clasps her arms over her chest like she’s about to go down a waterslide and says some painful things like, "Stop harassing me!"
   
The constant rejection is really messing me up — especially when I just want to give her a hug or kiss.
   
I have never abused my wife but she acts like I rape her. Aside from our sex problems, we get along really well. We laugh and talk together. When we go places, we always have a good time. Some of our friends tell us how great we are together. My wife is my best friend — but I want her to be a friend with benefits, too. A lover.
   
I tried to set up an appointment with a marriage counsellor recently, but the doctor was super weird and I didn’t get a good vibe. Others I have tried to call are really rude and irritated on the phone. Truth is, all I have found are pretty pricy anyway. More than I can afford but I am desperate.
   
I see three possible directions for my life: Divorce, which is something I want to avoid at all costs. Cheating, which is also something I want to avoid. (And no, my wife won’t be able to knowingly allow me to find satisfaction with another person; I’ve asked. I’m not too keen on the idea, anyway.) The path I want to follow would lead me to a way to melt my wife’s frozen libido.
   
Oh, I forgot to add, on the rare occasion that we do have sex, I always make sure my wife gets hers. And she will even admit that she enjoyed herself. This confuses me even more.

Open to Suggestions

Dear Open,
   
Have you gotten to the point where you’re standing over your wife on the bed, pulling at her underwear, crying in desperation? That’s hot. I think that’s a favourite memory in my own sexual history.
   
Your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you. Clearly, the idea disgusts her. Yet you describe her as your best friend.
   
If my best friend wouldn’t let me hug or touch them, I’d be hurt. I would expect some explanation from them or at least some support. But since you’re married, she doesn’t owe you anything? This is fucking madness. Why does your wife think it’s OK to treat your desires with repulsion and STILL stay with you?
   
I apologize to her if this seems heartless but, if there is something troubling her, she owes you an explanation. She owes it to you to be brutally honest, because this simply will not do. You cannot hold someone sexual hostage because you have a commitment contract with them.
   
You must seek outside council. Finding a good therapist who also offers sliding scale is hard but worth it. Google your specific needs, ask at free health clinics and, if you know any dykes, ask them. Dykes often have the inside track on good, cheap couples therapy.
   
Questions? Comments? Contact Sasha at pouledeluxe@yahoo.com.