...And Another Thing!

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Matt Rourke / The Associated Press Newt Gingrich (CP)

Like many others, I’ve found the Republican presidential primaries currently underway in the U.S. to be laugh-out-loud funny at times — until I remember that these things are not a series of comedy sketches but real life, and that the candidates participating in them are not vying to be a part of the Saturday Night Live cast but for the opportunity to hold one of the most powerful political positions in the world.
   
Then I find them kind of scary.
   
Prolonged and confusing though it may be, the process by which the Republican party chooses who will run against U.S. President Obama this November for the leadership of the country is worth paying attention to, since what happens in the U.S. can (and often does) affect those of us living north of the 49th parallel — see: post-9/11 security theatre, decisions about oil pipelines, etc.
   
Put another way, as one of my Uptown colleagues did recently: "When the U.S. farts, Canada gets pink eye." Truer words may never have been said.
   
At this point, the race for the presidential nomination has basically boiled down to a battle between Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, two wealthy white guys (what a surprise!) who have pulled ahead of the other two equally white though slightly less wealthy candidates still standing: Ron Paul, a self-described libertarian who wants less government inference in the lives of individuals — unless those individuals happen to be women in need of abortions, in which case, the more government inference the better (also: legalized dope!) — and Rick Santorum, an evangelical Christian who is perhaps best known for being the namesake of the anal froth meme created and propagated by American sex columnist Dan Savage.
   
Fun fact: Santorum received an endorsement from the Duggars, stars of the reality TV show 19 Kids and Counting. Enough said.
   
Of the two frontrunners, Newt Gingrich is both the more entertaining candidate and the more frightening one. Not only is he a hot mess of ideological contradictions — a moral crusader virulently opposed to same-sex marriage but apparently, totally OK with cheating on one’s spouse since he’s done it to both his first and second wives — he’s also fond of perpetuating racist stereotypes, no doubt as a thinly veiled attempt to court all those bigots still pouting about the fact that a black man won the presidency, though it’s possible that he actually believes the offensive drivel he spouts.
   
Oh yeah: he’s also pledged to colonize the moon. Yes, seriously.
   
Romney, in comparison, comes off less racists but more classist — and clueless. Earlier in his campaign, for example, he suggested the Occupy movement’s attempt to focus attention on income inequity is "class warfare." (If so, guess which side he’s on?) More recently, he suggested those who care about such things are probably just envious of rich people. Yes, seriously.
   
Given the dismal slate from which the Republican nominee will be chosen, logic suggests Obama is a shoo-in to win another term in the White House come November, even when one takes into account how little progress he’s been able to make on the economic misfortunes that continue to plague his country.
   
Then again, before dismissing the entire lot of Republican candidates as unwinnable, it’s probably worth pointing out that U.S. citizens elected George W. Bush twice. Anything can happen — which means that, while mocking the primaries is fun, the final joke could very well be on us.