Housecoat Diaries

I’m really torn about whether having been in high school for going on 30 years is a good thing or not.
   
I’ve definitely had plenty of time to deal with self-consciousness and popularity battles. I’ve lost my virginity a number of times (six-month rule applies after conclusion of first serious relationship), and I’m so educated about everything that I’ve forgotten more than most people will ever remember.
   
Teachers have come and gone. Do they know something we don’t? Maybe. Maybe not. After all, a wise person once said, "Those who can, do, and those who can’t, teach."
   
I’m speaking metaphorically here, of course. I haven’t actually been sitting in the back corner of social-studies class since the 1980s, coming up with wildly concocted current events just to rile the teacher and get big laughs from my buddies. Oh, wait, maybe I have really been doing that.
   
I haven’t actually counted the last days of June each year before summer vacation, that glorious time when all us classmates get together to go slosh it up at the local campground or start a band, or some of the guys finally go on that road trip with Betty and Veronica or a couple of the other girls that we’ve gotten to know out back where you’re still allowed to smoke. Oh, uh, yeah, I’ve really been doing that, too.
   
I don’t go every day to an old brick building and sit in a room facing the front of the class, hoping to learn something new each time… OK, that’s also happening..
   
So I really am in high school, and it looks as though I’m gonna be here awhile yet. Eventually, I may have to accept that I might never make it to graduation. And that doesn’t need to be a problem. Why would anyone complain about avoiding having to face the harsh realities of the real world?
   
Of course, growing up has its advantages. You might get to be the manager of something, or maybe get to talk on TV all the time.
   
I think if I had really wanted to graduate I could’ve done it long ago. I know lots about math and science and spelling and art, and I am often very punctual. So it’s not like I don’t have my life skills in order. Maybe algebra got in the way initially, and the rest of my life just developed with a sort of organic trigonometry, you might say.
   
I guess I’m happy here wandering the hallways of lower learning. Lots of my friends are still around, and even though there are some annoying new teachers trying once again this year to shape us into responsible members of society, times aren’t changing much for us, and we kinda like it that way.
   
And, you know what? Things might not be changing much for you, either. Thanks to Facebook, the whole frickin’ world is back in high school again!
   
Thought you graduated long ago? Guess again, pal. You’re right back in social studies class — forever.
   
John Scoles is president and janitor of the Times Change(d) High & Lonesome Club.