Uncommon Sense

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(CHRIS WITHOUT THE HAT)

I think we need The Rectifier in Winnipeg.
   
The Rectifier, you’ll remember, is the handle Tim Robbins’ character adopts in the 2008 movie Noise. The Rectifier has had it with the endless aural assaults of the urban environment, so he takes matters into his own hands and does a little rewiring whenever he’s disturbed by a car alarm. He usually
cuts the alarm, vandalizes the car and leaves a Rectifier sticker so the owner knows why his or her headlights are shattered.
   
Ever since Michael Douglas went off the rails in Falling Down, I’ve been a big fan of everyday schmucks who get so frustrated and angry that they bypass the red tape in favour of getting immediate results. I loved watching Douglas’ character aggressively point out the false advertising in a fast-food store. More recently I enjoyed seeing a group of residents seize a vacant home from a bank in Michael Moore’s Capitalism: A Love Story. That’s good stuff.
   
But right now I’m all about The Rectifier, mainly so I can get some sleep.
   
See, the car alarm is useless. It does not stop a car from being stolen. That is a fact.
   
As proof, I’ll offer up the fact that the 1993 Suzuki Swift I used to drive had a car alarm and was broken into no less than three times, all in wonderful downtown Winnipeg. Spirited Energy in action, I suppose.
   
If you want proof that’s more official, I’ll cite Alarmingly Useless, a 2003 report by Transportation Alternatives. It says that the Highway Loss Data Institute reviewed claims involving 73 million vehicles in 1997  and found that cars with alarms were stolen just as often as cars without alarms. The report also notes that the Progressive Insurance Company found less than 1% of respondents to their survey would call police after hearing a car alarm. Finally, Transportation Alternatives says 80% of cars are stolen by members of organized crime groups, and they go on to suggest that Mickey Mouse, factory-installed car alarms do nothing to stop professional thieves.
   
But you know this.
   
You don’t do a thing when a car alarm goes off. You certainly don’t call the cops. You probably don’t even check to see if it’s your car. You might get annoyed, but that’s about it.
   
This, apparently, is the standard response, which is exactly why the car alarm is utterly useless. According to a 1995 report by the New York Police Department (Police Strategy No. 5), false alarms are so prevalent that they cause people to ignore all alarms, even those resulting from actual break-ins.
   
And you know this, too, because you set off your own car alarm at least once a week, if not more. Then you stand there, fumbling for your keys and feeling embarrassed until you realize no one is paying any attention to you. You might as well be stealing the car.
   
Even as I type this, I can hear people hitting tiny buttons on their keychains, arming pointless alarm systems that do nothing but disturb the peace. And in about 20 minutes, a truck will rumble by and I will no doubt hear a false alarm that yet again announces the futility of the device to the world — at 120 decibels.
   
And then I’ll plug my ears and wonder if The Rectifier is available for a bit of work under the hood in this city.
   

Mike Warkentin set off his stupid, useless car alarm last week.